Looking Back

Well, 2022 has been an unusual year -- it brought me a surprising diagnosis of stage IV breast cancer. Medical stuff really overwhelms everything else.  Normal life is interrupted by external schedules and appointments and medication cycles, and after a while that's what becomes 'normal.'  Sigh.  So far, so good with treatment.  My bones are bad, my hair is sad, but otherwise: onward. 

The year turns.  The world continues, despite my struggles with loss of control. The grandkids are adorable and thriving.  We've been in this little house for nearly two years already -- that time has flown by!  We are cherishing time spent with family.

Of note, appreciable progress has been made with decluttering.  When we moved from the mountains, we downsized our home but did not downsize the STUFF that we brought along.  Finally this year it has been emotionally possible to let go of things from the past.  Each load that gets taken to the donation center feels like a triumph.  Life here is OK, adequate and safe, but very urban and impersonal -- not bad, just not friendly.  In any case, I've regained my equilibrium as a homemaker.  

I finished 21 quilts this year, and actually I'm surprised that it was that many.  Even when I have an idea or an inspiration, I lose momentum.  I would comment that while this slowdown is partly due to health issues, it is also very much related to aging in general: to a lessened sense of urgency and motivation, and to a different outlook about the present moment and the future.  Embroidery has become a convenient way for me to fill time and spend creative energy -- I do enjoy having color in my life.  As my final 2022 tally, I only have 5 tops and 2 block sets remaining in my quiltmaking UFO queue.  With increasing frequency now I think about discontinuing blogging.  I feel like I don't have much to say anymore.  Still pondering that decision ... meanwhile still just going with the flow.

So: enough of 2022.

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And then ...

Sooooo, back in March I went for my annual physical exam.  Unfortunately, I got a call-back for my mammogram and an authorization for an abdominal CT scan.  This was completely unexpected -- I've had clean mammos for many years.  

This plunged me into a period of testing and appointments that finally resulted in a diagnosis of invasive lobular breast cancer, metastatic Stage IV.  In addition to the primary tumor and adjacent lymph node involvement, I have numerous bone lesions.  No other organ involvement has been discovered at this time, but my bones are not in great shape.  The discomfort I've been attributing to old age and arthritis has actually been bone deterioration. 

To make a long story short, I am now in treatment, and will be for the rest of my life.  The outlook is actually fairly good.  Great advances have been taking place with breast cancer treatment, and the combination of meds I'm on suggest the hope of quite a few years ahead of me.  The meds are mind-bogglingly expensive -- one of the prescriptions costs out at $13,500 a month (!!!) which translates to a $3000 a month responsibility for us -- but we've worked through all the assistance channels and have qualified to receive that one from the manufacturer for FREE.  (Which would tell us something about $$$ in the pharmaceutical industry.)  Our health insurance is excellent and almost everything else has been covered so far, just an odd $5 co-pay here and there.

I was relieved to learn that I will not be undergoing a mastectomy to remove the original tumor and lymph glands.  The purpose for removing a tumor would be to prevent cancer cells from spreading but that horse is already out of the barn so to speak.  Instead, the med combination I've been started on is systemic, meaning it should work on the cancer cells everywhere throughout my body.  I will never be "cured" but I can expect that things will be "managed" for quite a while.

I've just completed the first cycle of treatment and I'm in the 'off' week right now.  Yes, there are side effects, but I keep getting strong reassurances from the various doctors about the benefits outweighing the side effects.  So far, so good. It will take a couple more cycles, another couple of months, before we can expect to see (hopefully good) results. 

I'm grateful that this turned out to be breast cancer, which has many treatment options, rather than another kind of cancer with more limited possibilities.  I'm very grateful that we moved down from the mountains when we did and live just a few minutes from excellent medical care -- up there, we would have been facing a 90-minute drive each way every time I needed a test or appointment or treatment, which turns out to be almost every day.  I'm grateful for our medical insurance.  I'm extremely grateful for the top-notch care team that I've been lucky enough to connect with.  I'm immeasurably grateful for my family, who are surrounding me with love and care.

I'm feeling good right now.  That will change eventually, but I'm old anyway, and expectations at this end of life are different than they would have been earlier.  Onward from here into the unknown ...  

 

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